Breaking: Tesla Declares Bankruptcy. Shockwaves Reverberate Across the Globe

Nobody knows what happened to Tesla's CEO, Elon Musk, except some wild rumors related to a "starship" rocket that recently left its base in Texas, aimed at Mars.

In a stunning turn of events, Tesla, the innovative electric vehicle company led by Elon Musk, has officially filed for bankruptcy, sending shockwaves through the automotive and technology industries. The unexpected announcement has left many reeling, as the once-promising company now faces an uncertain future.

Financial Turmoil

With mounting financial pressures and struggling to meet its ambitious production targets, Tesla's downfall seemed inevitable to many industry analysts. Customers had been abandoning Tesla cars in droves once it was known that they were plagued by frequent fires, low resale value, and would get stuck at low temperatures. After the last promotion campaign failed with the slogan, “Do we send the car to you, or do we burn it here?” the company's stock plummeted, and investors scrambled to assess the extent of their losses. The news of bankruptcy has raised serious concerns about the future of electric vehicles and renewable energy initiatives.

Reactions from Politicians and Opinion Leaders

Politicians and opinion leaders from around the world have weighed in on this unprecedented development:

• Former US president and current presidential candidate Donald Trump declared that he was sorry for his good friend, Elon Musk, but added that he was happy because the disappearance of the electric vehicle scam left space for new opportunities. “America,” Trump said, “was also made great by its diesel cars and trucks. Returning to those vehicles will make us great again.”

• President Joe Biden expressed his concern for the loss of jobs created by the disappearance of the Tesla company. He added that he fondly remembers his first Tesla that he drove when he was a young student at the University of Delaware. “That Tesla was a good car,” Biden said, “except for the steam engine that was a little noisy.”

• Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, offered Tesla pickup owners a very reasonable price to replace their vehicles with T-34 tanks that had been mothballed since WWII. He declared that Russian tanks are noisier than the Tesla pickups but more reliable and will catch fire only if hit by anti-tank shells (and they can fire back!). Besides, T-34 tanks don’t need modifications for rolling coal, a hobby typical of US pickup owners.

• The CEO of Volkswagen, Oliver Blume, announced a complete rethinking of priorities for his company. From now on, he said, the production of electric cars will stop, and the company will put back into production the old version of the 4-cylinder, gasoline-powered “Bug.” “If it was good for our grandfathers,” Blume said, “it has to be good for us, too.” He added that it is true that the old bug is a little polluting, but that’s a minor problem in comparison to a chance to realize the dream of a “car for the people” that the German government had started in the 1930s. It was an action that deserves to be restarted, as well as many other things that the German government did at that time.

• Environmental Activists: Many Environmental advocates expressed satisfaction with the news, noting that Tesla's disappearance gave substance to their thesis that private cars are inherently evil. It will now be possible to punish people for their environmental sins by forcing them to walk or bicycle as they deserve. The collapse of Tesla will be the first step toward creating a new Bolshevism in America.

• Oil Industry Representatives declared that they were not surprised by the failure of Tesla, and that they had always known that electric cars had no future. They will now step up production in order to fuel a new generation of gasoline and diesel cars. They added that, of course, that will require large investments in more drilling and that customers will have to be prepared to spend a little more for fueling their cars, but the American way of life is not up for negotiation.

• Tesla’s CEO, Elon Musk, could not be reached for comment except for some cryptic tweets that he left during the past few days about “a new beginning.” It is also reported that a “Starship” rocket left its base in Texas, directed toward Mars. Rumors say that it has a human crew, but that remains so far unconfirmed.